


(the truth is i just wanna) feel good

by bitterwholesomegay (softfloralbro)



Category: Autoboyography - Christina Lauren
Genre: M/M, Mormonism, Post-Coital Cuddling, open discussion of church-related sexuality guilt, post-coital discussion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-05-18 19:51:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19341448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softfloralbro/pseuds/bitterwholesomegay
Summary: He’s naked. Naked in his bed with his equally naked boyfriend. He wonders if this would have felt as right with a woman, or if he would feel as guilty if he and Tanner were married.or: Sebastian and Tanner have sex for the first time. Sebastian processes.





	(the truth is i just wanna) feel good

**Author's Note:**

> whooooo guess what y’all, it’s time for your irregularly scheduled dose of the author processing through religious trauma bullshit via one Sebastian Brother
> 
> so there’s this Tyler Glenn song called Feel Good where he’s like “Hands up, touch the sky/Everybody on your knees and testify/I was searching for the truth/I think they misunderstood/Yeah the truth is, honey, I just wanna feel good”. the first time I heard it and realized it was Neon Trees i Lost My Goddamn Shit because holy shit “i was searching for the truth, and the truth is i just want to feel good” is the absolute saltiest exmormon thing i have ever Heard in My Fucking Life. honestly it’s a Fucking Work of Art. 
> 
> anyways, i’ve wanted to explore Sebastian’s relationship to sex for a while, and now i’m listening to this song on repeat at 4 am and it felt like a good time for it

He’s naked. Naked in his bed with his equally naked boyfriend. Said naked boyfriend is asleep next to him. Tanner’s taking a post-orgasm nap, which is great, but also leaves Sebastian alone with his thoughts.

 

It felt so right in the moment but now he’s laying in bed, staring up at the ceiling, questioning all the choices that have led him to this moment. He’s now well and truly broken the Law of Chastity.  _ I could repent and the Gospel says that God would welcome me back with open arms, but I know I shouldn’t repent if I don’t intend to stop. _ And if he’s being honest with himself, he’s not sure if he  _ could  _ stop. That felt amazing and mind-blowing and all the things the cheesy romantic novels his sisters read told him it would. And it felt so so  _ right _ .  

 

_ Would it feel this right with a woman?  _

 

_ Would I feel so guilty now if Tanner and I were married?  _ He supposes they could do that now, but that somehow feels like an even worse idea. 

 

Tanner pulls Sebastian closer, and sleepily mumbles, “babe, I can Hear you worrying.” Tanner’s touch is grounding, and it feels right. It feels so right Sebastian wants to cry. Belatedly, he realizes he  _ is _ crying.

 

Tanner wipes his tears away. “Babe, are you okay? Did we do something you didn’t want to do?”

 

“No,” Sebastian hiccups. “I wanted everything we did. I just. I feel like I shouldn’t though.”

 

“Do you want me to stop touching you right now? I don’t want to make things worse for you.”

 

“No, please don’t go. I feel Right when you’re here. I need that right now. I need to know that you love me, even if God is disappointed in me.”

 

“I don’t think-” Tanner starts to say.

 

“Tanner. you don’t understand. The Law of Chastity was drilled into my brain before I even fully understood what sex  _ was _ . The first couple of temple recommend interviews, I remember asking for clarification about what that even meant. And blushing furiously for the rest of the day. 

 

“I’ve known I was attracted to other boys for a  _ really really long time _ . And I always,  _ always _ worried in those interviews that I was lying when I said I was keeping the Law of Chastity. I mostly didn’t even let myself think impure thoughts about boys. With a few notable exceptions, I barely went any farther than wondering what it would be like to kiss another boy. And my brain was always flooded with shame every time I thought about that. 

 

“I know you know that I deal with a lot of shame around my sexual orientation, but I don’t think you realize just how many hours I’ve spent on my knees, repenting, praying to God that He’d take away my afflictions, or even just that the atonement and Christ’s sacrifice would be merciful enough that I’d be healed in the afterlife. 

 

“I love you. I love you so much, and I  _ want _ , oh God do I want. I want to be with you. In all senses of the word. But I have felt so guilty for so long. I wish I could just be with you and have it be uncomplicated. But I. I can’t. I’m sorry.”

 

“Seb, there is no reason to be sorry. All I want for you is to feel good. If that means we never have sex again, that’s fine by me.”

 

Sebastian leans over and kisses him. There’s no way he could possibly put all of what he feels for Tanner into words, but he hopes this is a place to start. The truth is that Sebastian just wants to feel good - and he feels the best when he’s in Tanner Scott’s arms.

**Author's Note:**

> two fics in one day! i've had this mostly written for a while, and then i had sex with a new partner today and it felt Right to finish and post this.
> 
> ily all


End file.
